The ED-Word 1: Litmus Test

The ED-Word

So you think you’re an artist, writer, poet, or philosopher? Well, I am none of those things, but I have seen one on TV, and I think that makes me qualified to play one on the internet. When you feel like your audience just does not feel the emotional meaning of your latest “piece”, I’ll be here to offer you my words, a little yang for your yin, and a multi-year billion dollar solution for a two dollar problem.

December 31

Jing-Jing-A-Ling, where have you… Bing?

Well, it is almost the last possible moment to let everyone know what a jerk you were in 2007. Being that there is at least a small chance that one or more apocalyptic religions could be proven right at any time, it might be a good idea to get right.

For at least some of you, that will mean going back and buying presents for all those people you barely know, but who insisted on sending you that card/check/shirt or baked good anyway. You know… your relatives. The ones you cut out this year because you are financially strapped after getting your significant other a ridiculous gift you thought they hinted at 4 months ago.

Anyway, here are some of the hottest make-up gift buys for 2007ish…

When you only need to know what the day is, I recommend the day clock. This fine oak framed clock will only set you back about 30-40bucks and tells you what day of the week it is with ~~Swiss~~ Incline Village, Nevada precision movement.

While the inventors say "This is the kind of clock that every retired person should own. It's the perfect gift for a retired person.” I think everyone could use such a clock. Note – date or other useful check writing information is not available on all models.

    2.    For the more practical characters on your list…

http://www.juscuzz.us/

Note the instructional video on the site for all your balloon cleaning needs. While I have seen many offerings for bidet conversion kits and a host of environmentally friendly reasons to make the switch, you can’t argue with “Fun and Easy”. Especially from JusCuzz.us “Your #1 Source, For Your #2 Business!”

3.    Those wishing to keep a higher brow might be interested in the iBEAM Deluxe Lighted Magnifying Design Watch…   http://ibeamtime.com/



His                                                            Hers

This is indeed a great gadget for snooping around your own magazines without the embarrassment of using your reading glasses. However, you might need to provide this gift as a two-part series. The year after, you should probably provide the NECKpro traction device.

They can either fix the kink in their neck or kill themselves following the shame of finally wearing their glasses in public last week.

My final pick for 2007 will carry us all into the New Year, The Buddha Machine.

This is not your older brothers MP3 Player. Check-it…This thing is the brain child of “China’s hottest rock group”, FM3. It uses a tiny statue of the Buddha to channel not one, but many ambient loops in a continuous exploration of mind, body and spirit.

October 31

It’s Halloween….. Lett’sss DOOOO-eit.

There are a few things to keep in mind as you set out to collect your treats-or-tricks (and times being what they are). I group them into three classes of potential holiday hazards.

Since we don’t have to worry about family for this one, the biggest choice is costume. This part is crucial for enjoyment. Costumes should be easy to get on and off, require minimal to no makeup and not in any way inhibit the following key functions:

1. Eating/Drinking – what’s the point of all those Halloween goodies if they taste like wig hair or the non-stick powder in your mask.

2. Number 2 – C’mon guys, it is not enough to just be able to serve the easy game – you may be in your costume 5-10hrs, no sense being caught in huge cardboard box that someone needs to cut you out of.

3. Moving – This one is last because it is rather lame to clunk around all night, but you may actually be providing comic relief for those around you.

Let's put this simple.

No food No Number 2 No Doors

NO FUN

Next up… candy. The obvious candy warning is to avoid things like razor blades and matches, but even the eatables that end up in your bag are hit or miss. I suggest only going to houses if they let you pick from a good selection. (And I do not mean that large assortment of candy corn.)

In fact, unwrapped candy is best avoided, especially, when the house is weird enough to put handfuls in little individual sacks. For a field guide to other bad candies see bad-candy.com. Once you have found your chocolate gold, circle a few times. If necessary, collect from the collectors until your bag is full.

Finally, remember that it is just one day. Don’t go nuts and party yourself to somewhere you won’t live down. Your costume is good, but it won’t be remembered longer than PeePants.

HAPPY HALLOWEEN

July 1

Tasty Eats

In the spirit of the geek porn they call unboxing, I bring you fake meat! That’s right folks; there are some people that are so devoted to their veggie vows that they can brave products which simulate the savage life of omnivores. Each return from the evil clutches gets them closer to a GMO-free nirvana. You heard me, GloFish are doomed to come back as GloFish. So, without further ado… Soy Jerky! <For my Quechua speaking friends that’s Charqui or the “Soy Dried Meat.”

Ohh… Yeah gimme some of that non-biodegradable plastic….

Wait, you got two bags!?

You looking so goooooood, I wonder what you got goin on!! <Other than being made in Malaysian sweatshops.>

Oh no baby, not like that…. No way baby! That’s all wrong.

I will see you all next week, if I can find some non-soy soap to shower away my shame.

June 24

Land O Lakes

So just when I thought I had learned everything that I could from the Simpsons, they threw me this subtle gem. The LandOLakes has long been the premiere butter product--I grease pans with no other. However, Bart found another use…

Before I reveal his wares, let’s take a moment of silence for the o riginal butter packaging. While Europe may be familiar with the “Western-pack”, we have had our deep box for 86 years, and I find the packaging change disturbing. What’s next, the damn metric system? No thanks pal! Powers of ten are for chumps. I want my numbers based on random clumps of smaller, harder to imagine units.

…
…
…
Quiet isn’t it
…
…

What you will need:

2x “Western-pack” LandOLakes – Salted! It’s good for you.
(BTW, this would have only required one of the original deep boxes – all butter is not created equal)
1x Something sharp and pointy
1x Something sticky

Start by making an incision across the middle of one package, see figure 2:

Figure 2

Next, carefully cut the LandOLakes butter box from only the top three sides. Leave the bottom edge to hold the box in place. Before you get side-tracked in thinking “Wow, is that an infinity mirror where each box has an another box?” – The answer is no. They have included no trees in the second box. And it is likely the second Indian was holding a weapon to fend foreign peoples off her land. Unfortunately, the big Indian did not get the smoke signal and offered only butter for their corn. See figure 3.

Figure 3: Figure 4:

Next, insert the half box into the dissected box and attach with the sticky stuff (figure 4). The end result should be a box which looks untouched to the untrained eye. That is, until you lift the flap!

Before After

Well, frankly I am appalled. For shame lakes, for shame.

So that your net amount secrets remain the same, I will not pollute your mind with a preview of next week. To quote our good friends, be excellent to each other.

June 17

Once more into the Fray!

Hey gang! This week we are going to talk about something very dear to my heart: not dying. We all have those fears about being stranded in the woods and wonder if we have what it takes to gnaw off our own trapped leg. For those of us not brave enough to find out by jumping in, we can learn our boundaries through the comfort of our own living room. Two suckers… err heroes, have taken the waves with tapes of their one-on-one encounters with big mama nature. The following guide should help you decide which school of thought you should follow when thrown into your own wild encounters.

                              VS

Survivorman Les Stroud                                             Man vs Wild’s Bear Grylls
Home: Ontario, CAN                                                  Home: Isle of Wight, UK
Classical Education: Music                                          Karate Black Belt
Long time outdoor instructor/filmmaker                      British Army Special Forces

Yeah, no shit his name is Bear! Although you might not know it from the episode in the Rockies which he spends running from a possible bear. But let’s not hold that against him. I mean, the goal is to live.

So, we should consider general strategy. Our friend Les has his “crew” drop him in god knows where, and he spends the next 7 days by himself. Filming everything himself and with no general provisions, he generally has the sense to start a safety fire which he will maintain for most of his time there.

Bear will pick a cross between extreme sport gone wrong and political exile. His filming is done by a mysterious mute who gets no mention or credit for his work. While Bear also tends to start a fire, he promptly lets his die as he falls asleep. (Read: this is why the baddies come to eat him while he’s resting.) Sometimes at night, or even in the heat of the day, he likes to sprint to the highest point of his surroundings, or jump into an icy cold river of melting snow. Then, exhausted, he will scale down a sheer rock cliff or run full tilt down the other side.

Philosophy:
The time between Les’s quests for food and sleep are spent conserving energy and occasional harmonica action. Some basic reflections or pearls may be offered along with basic Chuck Noland humor.

Bear likes to pretend he does not talk to the cameraman between takes, and he tells stories of his days keeping the world safe by jumping out of airplanes and scaling Mount Everest.

Diet:
Aside from the occasional small animal he snares with traps he makes from his surroundings, Les gathers a staple diet of local plants.

Assuming he did not fall and break something while screwing around, Bear will look for food. Bear’s diet usually consists of exotic proteins (link – watch the whole thing, no cheating!). First he tries them the hard way (read: raw) then later cooked gourmet style. When he finds himself dehydrated from running around, he often finds unconventional drinking methods. (C’mon- you made it through the last vid!)

My rating:
Les strikes us as Joe American survivalist with practical advice for the average man.

Bear, on the other hand, likes to show you (by example) what to do if you want to end your misery. While we hope he does not pull a Steve, we can’t help but wonder if he is serious.

So pick your pony and watch closely. It just might save your life some day.
Next week we will learn the dirty little secret behind the Land of Lakes!

June 9th

Real Estate Tips

Alright gang, last week I promised you some pearls on the wonderful world of real estate. Well here it goes: You Can’t!

You cannot make money, you can’t get free money, you can’t trust anybody and you can’t move to the west coast of the good’ole USA.

Let me show you what I mean. First off, check out this ad:

"I'll Bet You $100 I Can Show You How To Rake In $10,000 Or More Investing In Real Estate Inside of 30 Days...Without Dealing With a Single Tenant...Smug Banker...Or Even Having Your Credit Pulled."

...And if I'm wrong, I'll personally FedEx a check to you out of my own pocket...keep reading to find out how!

Uh, No! Don’t believe ’em.

How about financing your own home? Take a look at this ad:

Seems safe, and it sure is nice of them to let me select my own credit score and interest rate. I’ll take 100%... err was lower better?

This shit is hard to figure out, I mean, how about some help? The Coastal Homes magazine is full of Dicks and Janes who can help you spend your life savings on a money pit.

        or?

These two smile like they don’t even believe their own line of crap!

While this guy might seem nice, remember he has three college bound kids and a wife who needs him to bring home that Ferrari. I guess we can take solace in the fact he is fertile. Hooray, Dick!

This guy might look like the dude who dropped out of your high school, but I promise he went out for college rugby in between beer nights. Does he still look a little high? At least he straightened up a little and started using Bic pens. It may not look like much, but writing stuff in pen shows confidence--and that’s what you need in this business.

But there's lots of competition for Bic-man. What about credentials, you know the experience necessary to get you that dream house?!?

ENTER JANE…

(Yes, that says "Previous Career: Mrs. Claus's helper in the Candy Kitchen at Santa's Village.") Well, I think that counts. I mean, in between melting convections and twisting those little wrappers, I am sure Santa gave you some hot real estate tips.

Now, let’s let the pros speak for themselves:

“Bernice Brubeck-Wong has been selling properties "the WONG Way" in our County since 1977.”

“About Freedom of Choice. Real Options”

Well,   I’m finally in safe hands. Now all I need is a cool million down on that 1bedroom efficiency in the sticks! I will of course work on finding donations. Any givers?

Next week, I will give you some key survival tactics for the next time your safari guide leaves you in the Sahara.

May 20th

Summer Time and the Livin’s EZ . . .
Unless you’re Jeff!

So there was this kid, we’ll call him Jeff to work with the title. Jeff was a good kid, loves his momma, horses, Jesus, Elvis, and America too (not necessarily in that order). Among other things Jeff was fond of the plastic inflatable water furniture and toys which show up in your local everything store from April through July. He loved the popularity associated with being the first kid on the block to set up this year’s model of kiddy pool. Oh, how the girls flocked to little Jeff’s house to join in the fun. Sadly for Jeff, it was all a lie. They did not want to play with Jeff and his new pool. They did not want to play with Jeff at all.

Lucky for all of us, large cameras and special lighting were there to catch the moment when they decided to tell him, and Pacific Living felt it reasonable to highlight the event for their new product.

That certainly was a good hard jolt of reality for poor little Jeff. Heck, the recoil can still be felt months after this picture was taken. Ultimately, Jeff teaches us all an important lesson. Kiddy pool companies and the models they employ are scary! Don’t believe me? Take a close look at the “families” shown on the next set of floaties you buy.
It just might save your life someday.

Next week, I’ll give you some tips on real estate.

May 13, 2007

This week: The Litmus Test

In the interest of saving your time, I thought I would conduct a quick litmus test to see if you have any chance of enjoying the material to follow. The test consists of three jokes in no particular order. Do us both a favor, and don’t copy from your neighbor! The only good news is that none of them involve any aristocrats.

1.         Knock, Knock.
            Who’s there?
            Mathematical Cat…
            Mathematical Cat Wh--
            (interrupts) “m”

2.         Don’t like reading? Me either, skip to 3.

So there I was at the bowling alley, looking for a ball with sufficient polish and not too many dents. I find it helps scare the pins if you look good--the staff knows this. That's why they issue those shoes that look like they were constructed through some college dorm-mates' teambuilding exercise.

Ball in hand, I am working my way to the lane when I hear a faint cry. My spidey-sense leads me to the gaming room where they have a not so great assortment of 3^rd-rate pinball games (I’m thinking of you, Lethal Weapon 3). On the back wall, I see one of those claw machines. It's the kind where the skilled few can work their magic with mechanical pinchers that sport the grip of your grandma and the traction of penny-loafers on ice. It's filled with your normal assortment of cheap crap like a pillow, a few Simpsons dolls and some lead/mercury based jewelry. What I wasn't expecting was the baby! There, nestled in a stack of Pokemon toys, was a little baby boy, and I am like "Oh CRAP! I gotta get the baby out!!"

So I start plunking in quarters, trying to move the kid over to the door, but those games are hard! First, I try catching him under the arm, but he kept batting the claws away. I finally lured him over and down the shoot. After a short struggle, I free him from the one way door and then he starts crying – reaching for the machine. Then I realize he wants his dolly. So after another 30 minutes and 30 bucks later, I capture the dang thing. That’s the way they get you. They make the damn things impossible to play, and they stick the babies in there. Then you have to give up all your hard-earned cash to get 'em out!

(Now might be a good time to mention a good children's charity.)

3.         The TREACHEROUS DUCK X-ING





Tally Your Score!

If you have not laughed out loud by now, you must think the internet consists of only porn or stock quotes. We will probably not mesh well, but you can send me what you think is funny (ed-word@nakedmic.com).  If you laughed out loud at any one of the three, check back in a month! If two did something for you, we will see you next week – update or not. If all three were your thing, then you probably need a little companionship.

Next week, I will let you know what I am thinking…. (OK, it’s swimming pools).