How Not to Create a Website

How Not to Build a Website
Advice from Laurel

Ever thought of building your own website? Don't.

But suppose you have an idea. And suppose you're the ridiculously stubborn type, who insists on going through with ideas, despite minor obstacles, such as the fact that you don't have any idea how to build a website. (Or renting a car to get to a concert in another country despite the fact that you can't drive a standard and you don't have directions. But that's another story.)

Well, if you're like me, you'll start with an optimistic approach to the challenge. After all, you have a vision, and surely they make books on this sort of thing? Visit your local library and check out 10 books with titles that you don't understand, then sit yourself down before an aging laptop to create your site.

Ha. HAHA(guffaw)HA(*gasp!)HAHA! You naive fool!

Let me be the first to inform you: websites are built by web programmers. Those people speak code. What code? God knows--HTML, C++, Perl, the list goes on. (Click here to read Ed-word's favorite joke!) The dialects are endless. Websites are built on codes, and if you don't speak the codes, you can't build them. You might as well go f*ck yourself.

Do I speak code? No. Did I build a website. Yes. How is this possible?

I checked out 14 library books over a 12 month period, lost hours of sleep, and this, (honest to god) is my tenth attempt. Here are glimpses of my prior failures:



Fig. 1                                                   Fig. 2                                                Fig. 3

One version was even orange, but, thank god, I deleted it.

What have I learned? Plenty. With blood, sweat, and caffeine, I have navigated my way through the labyrinth-like hell of html to create the simplistic and flawed site before you. So, if you still possess the the crazy notion of doing likewise, allow me to offer the following "Top 10 Tips" for ignorant website construction:

Top 10 Tips for Ignorant Website Construction

1) Figure out what your website is about.

I know this may go against your creative, intuitive approach to things, but code doesn't work intuitively. It's a militant beast that demands planning and structure. So doodle it out in your flower-pressed journal first, but don't touch a computer until you know exactly what you're going to do.

2)   Now, evaluate your purpose. Do you really need that website? Probably not. Don't be an idiot. Back out now.

3)   Do not use Microsoft Publisher to create your site (see Fig. 1).

        4)   Still at it? Pay someone else to build it for you.

        5)   Broke? See step #2. Or manipulate a computer science geek. They're vulnerable.

6) If you still don't speak code and haven't slept with anyone who does, download a version of FrontPage 2003 from somewhere. Then, borrow a copy of FrontPage 2003: The Missing Manual by Jessica Mantaro, and forget to return it.

7) Absolutely, under all circumstances, disregard all FrontPage templates. If you don't, your site might look like this:

Fig. 4

8) Don't try to make your own graphics (see Fig. 2). Are you a graphic designer? Have you been professionally trained in color theory? Don't kid yourself. Copy pictures from other people's websites (see Fig. 4).

9) Start up a strong coffee habit, and abandon the shreds of what you formerly referred to as your social life. Spend your evenings surfing the net reading sites like findmyhosting.com.

10) Extort money and launch your creation. Go you.